A Convergence of Starlings

51: Missiles

2009-10-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

I've started a new goal- to read a poem a day. No real reason to it, just a sudden desire to bring poetry back into my life. Last night was Philip Larkin's "This was your place of birth, this daytime palace" from the North Ship.

--

I'm attempting to go vegan. I went back and forth on it all summer, but it's going better now that I'm back in school, for whatever reason. I feel more motivated to cook, that's for sure. And I've baked! I've make cookies! And the second time, I fiddled with the recipe and it still came out pretty awesome! This is big news for I, who's always burned Betty Crocker

50: A Weekend without the Basics

2009-08-07T12:11:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in the bamboo garden at the Pittsburgh Public Library, and the mere fact they have a bamboo garden is the number one reason they're the best library I've ever been to, even beating (gasp!) the NY Public Library, and the Boston Public Library. There are plenty of comfy chairs, nooks and crannies, and brightly painted walls. There are areas for teens and children that look (appropriately) like they've been designed with real teens and children in mind, not just the kind that can sit quietly and read Newbury winning books.

Plus, it doesn't feel as sacred as the NYPL, and it allows you to consume food and beverages (within reason), unlike the BPL.

Safe to say, I will be spending long portions of my weekend here, as the research study I was supposed to take part in was at capacity, so instead of spending the weekend by earning $250, and having various cremes applied to my arms, I will be instead searching out places to supplement my apartment's lack of electricity, furniture, cable, and food.

Not to mention, this whole cutting drastically down on my medication so that I have enough to get through the summer is taking its toll. I'm starting to remember what it was like before I went on medication, and I'm not enjoying it. At all.

49: End of Panera Position

2009-08-03T10:49:00.000-07:00

I gave my two weeks notice a few days ago at Panera. It was surprisingly less painful that I thought it would be- I walked in, asked to speak to the GM, and informed him I was giving my two weeks. And that was it.

I was more than ready to list the reasons why- not the least of which is the lack of hours I’ve been given, and of course, that I’m moving back to VA. But even if those issues weren’t there, I don’t think I’d be sticking around. The people I work with are nice enough, but here, more than any other place, have I just been continually faced with downright nasty customers, and I can only imagine it getting worse when the students come back in full force.

I don’t know if this is indicative of Panera in general, or merely this shop, but I can’t stand watching the number of people who come in, take samples and leave, or fill their water bottles and McDonalds’ cups with coffee or soda and just peace. The breaking point has been this week, where I have not only been called dumb, but had someone curse at me.

I’ve been consoling myself with yogic breathing, or attempts to be zen, or reminding myself that some people weren’t raised right.

I’m starting to think that maybe it’s not other people who were raised differently, but that I was.

And that worries me.

That leads me to believe this wave of self-entitlement isn’t some bad cold that’ll fade with age and exposure to common courtesy but instead a change in acceptable behavior, one in which people no longer are only entitled to breathe but to also have what they want fall into their laps.

It worries me because there’s only so much of people I can take, and more and more life is about working with people.

48: Eye Contact

2009-06-29T19:37:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to go back to uploading scans and bits of my journal again. Cause what the world needs are handwriting samples and ramblings, spelling mistakes and all.

No promises that they'll ever be in order.

Or anything. Really.

47: Familial

2009-06-19T22:02:00.000-07:00

So I just realized that Jamie Lee Curtis (especially circa Halloween) reminds me way too much of my mom, or at least the teenager I thought my mom was, plus the looks. Odd. very odd.

46: Wokring for the Weekend

2009-06-19T20:22:00.000-07:00

So Panera is going well enough. Sure, I wear the same pair of mom khakis (HUGE crotch) and rotate one of three polos that I don't actually wash so much as spray down with toner (that's like cleaning. it has tea tree in it!), but the people seem good enough. We're a motley band of underachievers but then again, how inspired would you if worked at Panera?

I suppose the thing that bothers me the most there is not the free drinks people take, because let's face it, I do not care enough to properly charge people half the time --though I was rewarded the other by a cute man's joke:

What's a vampires favorite holiday? (cue lip biting where he thought he fucked it up)
Fangsgiving

that's right. The surest way to my heart is a nervous twitch and a corny dad joke-- or the giners digging through those too-sugary pastries we sample, but the muzak versions of songs they play. Van Morrison's "Crazy Love" does not need to become sweeter or softer. Nor "SOmwhere over the Rainbow". I'd be fine with classical. Hell, I'm fine with silence. But the shy cello and violin renditions of "Have I Told You Lately" and "Home on the MOTHERFUCKING Range" is unnecessary and annoying. I can't decided what's worse- this, or the top 40 pop I'd listen to at Dunkin Donuts.

No, that's not true. Dunkin music was much worse, if only because I can tune this music out.

But as I search for a coffee shop job, I'm realizing that music really does make the work environment for me. I mean, when I think about jobs I've loved, it's because I could play what music I wanted, within reason (Lush, Mary's Pence). When I think about jobs that I've tolerated, it's because I could listen to podcasts or something on headphones (Board of Ed filing). When I think about jobs I've hated, it's usually because of the music and not because of the people I've dealt with- thus, compare my work at the Green Leafe to Dunkin Donuts or that law firm with its softjazzyrockmiddleagepop. Ulgh. Vomit.

However, I have been on a music binge lately- satisfying cravings not only for Super Black Market Clash and the Moon is a Broken Lightbulb (Elliot Smith B Sides), but also letting in bands I don't quite know (but now love) like Starfucker. I guess that might even things out.

45: Zdravo

2009-06-18T19:32:00.000-07:00

I'm actually enjoying learning B/C/S. Not that I don't frequently have moments where I question what the hell I'm doing (fleeting a's? seriously? VOWELS SHOULD STAY PUT), and how useful could it ever be(genitive plural? really? REALLY?), and whether it was totally worth the 2 grand I shelled out for it (cue MASSIVE gulp and a summer of rice and beans). But every now and then, I think it's all worth it because I really enjoy writing in Cyrillic and it makes me happy to understand .5 minutes of a youtube clip in BCS.

44: Testimonial

2009-06-04T18:28:00.001-07:00

I can live happily in a world without Dave Matthews.

I'm sure he's a very nice person, but much like my reaction to the Indigo Girls, I don't see the appeal. At all.

43: Welcome to Your Temporary Home

2009-06-01T18:48:00.000-07:00

I've been in Pittsburgh for half a month now (aka two weeks) and it's had it's ups and downs. Ups being back in a city, and remembering how much I love tall buildings, but the downs would be this struggle I'm having in finding a job. It seems more and more likely I might have to return to Virgina sooner than I would like, unless within the next few days a miracle of sorts occurs.

It would hurt to give up on this class, to give up on the opportunity of living in this city, especially if I do return here for graduate school. I know that should I be making that decision, I would at least make more of an informed decision than I had in choosing undergraduate education.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. Send good vibes my way.

In return, I offer this website, which I have fallen in love with.

42: Beauty of a Beat

2009-05-12T11:54:00.001-07:00

So it's me, the bartender and one customer at the bar. I'm on my laptop, he's on his phone, and she's doing crosswords. But we're all popping to my glam rock mix. I love music.

41: Next Semester

2009-04-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

Monday:
1-2 French 201
3-4:30 History 491: Cultural Cold War

Tuesday:
9:30- 11 German 307: Civilization and Society
2-3:30 History 113: Introduction to Latin American History (hells yeah it's me and the
freshmen!)

Wednesday:
1-2 French 201
3-4:30 Hist 491

Thursday:
9:30-11 German 307
12:30-1:30 French drill
2-3:30 Hist 113

Friday:
1-2 French 201

40: Summer Plans

2009-04-07T09:45:00.001-07:00

Well.

I just got offered an internship with the Human Rights Watch.

Pros?

It's the mother fucking Human Rights Watch.

Hella exposure to the organization and chances for cross interning

Super easy job, with flexible hours.

The woman I'd be working for seems super nice and laid back.

Working in NYC

Close to home, friends and fam.

Cons?

Not paid.

Administrative work--> basically, I will be reunited with my old friend Razor's Edge, to the max. We're talking about pure address updates, and fulfilling merch request.

Means I can't learn Croatian, unless I look at paying for classes at one of those semi sketch looking institutes in NYC.

I'm assuming I won't be able to dye my hair pink and go crazy, like I was planning.

Sigh.

39: Autostop

2009-03-26T20:07:00.000-07:00

I hitch-hiked to class today because the bus never came. All things considered, it went well- there happened to be another W/M student heading in the same direction who gave me a ride. I can't decide if this is a sign I should start hitching around the country

38: Mono

2009-03-20T18:21:00.000-07:00

This mono has been interesting, to say the least. Today, I ate three full meals, which is notable since until yesterday I couldn't eat solid foods for the most part, or more than one meal a day. I guess I should have guessed then that there was something quite wrong, when I woke up on Monday and had a bowl of sherbet at 9 in the morning in a desperate plea to numb my throat. You see, initially this mono was diagnosed as strep and I was handed some Tylenol and some throat numbing nastiness and told it would be better soon. When two days later I was still vomiting and couldn't sleep from the pain of accidentally swallowing my own saliva, I went to a new doctor who quickly deduced I had mono. Say what you will about Student Health Services- they know their diseases that run rampant on college campuses.

The minute the doctor said it, I felt stupid for not coming to the same conclusion. I had three days of naps and being winded walking small distances, wasn't hungry, and just generally over it. I'm starting to come out of it now- I can stay awake for more than four hours even if I do feel completely drained in the process. My tonsils no longer feel like they're resting on my tongue. I don't taste the pus in the back of my throat (sexy. so very sexy). And I've cut down on the Vicotin I was prescribed for pain/sleeping.

And I've been eating. Real meals, with solid foods. Soup and sherbet are still a dominant force of my diet but look at my dinner! Pasta was vodka sauce, onions sauteed with sweet paprika, chickpeas, peas and corn, and sauteed apples and honey. A real meal. I'm impressed. I don't think I'll take food for granted for quite some time.

37: Back in Boston

2009-03-11T21:53:00.001-07:00

Back in Boston, for spring break, which is rapidly approaching over. It's snowed, it's rained, and been beautiful. I feel as if I'm doing Williamsburg a disservice. It's a good place, especially for 2 years. The academics are fab and I've met some awesome people. The job- pain of the ass sometimes, but good. It's hard to compare to Boston though. I think part of that is though that I'm here on break, and a lot of the people I've wanted to see (a lot, but of course not all) are people I've met in Ireland.

Sure, Boston has more restaurants, places to shop, movies to see and things to do. But the options I'm getting because of my association with William and Mary are balls-ass better than whatever was available at BU. Granted, upon knowing that I was leaving BU, I did a lot to try and make sure the next two years would be awesome (internship at the Peace Corps? Yes! That I turned down to go to Williamsburg? Well... yes also); there's a chance I wouldn't have prompted myself so much if I stayed in Boston, although knowing me and my tendency to um..... go crazy, that's unlikely.

So, end result?

Is it awesome being back in Boston?
Yes.
Was it worth leaving?
Yes.....ish.
Would I consider moving back to Boston after graduation?
Well, yes. Yes I would.

36: Stencils

2009-02-23T11:29:00.000-08:00

I want to get back into stencils and screen painting. I miss art.

Time is the issue. It's always the issue. Maybe I should just take it to the streets of Williamsburg and see what happens

35: Hair Cut

2009-02-15T17:02:00.000-08:00

Got my hair cut today. It was weird sitting in the chair, with my glasses off watching someone cut my hair- I had the sudden realization that I was pretty. I don’t say this as a plea for compliments but rather,
I’ve always known my sister was pretty. Gorgeous actually. Me, I clean up nicely. I’m cute. I'm clever. I’m small. But sitting there with my hair sopping wet, I suddenly saw what others might see. I couldn't stop smiling.

It's happened before, where I stood before in the bathroom tweezing my eye brows, and staring at myself.

34: Bad Bad News

2009-02-06T18:58:00.001-08:00

Dear Sir,

Just so you know, this won't end with me saying something along the lines of 'I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her' or waiting for you to come up to my fire escape or something.

I've probably bolted.

You see, I'm a bad choice. Like, pick up the red phone and call the sure thing. Me? I drink too much, and flirt with other guys. I breathe sarcasm, I subsist on irony, I stand by my bad decisions, my good decisions, and I wouldn't take a lot of you what say at face value, cause I can make a cute joke, all the better. I need to sit by myself and figure things out, I need to nap, I need to be able to put on my headphones and ignore you. I'm skittish, and yes, I do know that's a phrase reserved for teenage novels about horses. I hold all my cards to the chest, leave too early and expect you to know to get out of the car and follow me. I won't make that first move.

I suppose there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm faithful with my emotions, if not my lips, and I'll cook you nice dinners whenever you need it. I'll watch bad movies, and drink beers, and get you into fights about sports teams I know nothing about. If anything, I'm good for an adventure. I'll probably throw paper balls at your head more times that you can count.

Go with it.

I'm not going to put my heart on the line for you. Sure, I'll threaten anything that comes near my friends with something in the vein of 'break their hearts, and I'll break your kneecaps', but I don't trust anyone with my insides.

I'll talk. And talk. And talk. Stop smiling and kiss me.

33: Wop A Din Din

2009-02-04T19:04:00.000-08:00

Feeling exhausted lately, which shouldn't be surprising. I suppose it's the flu scare on campus, combined with that every present threat of mono that circles through the realms of the young quick to swat cup and kiss. Probably nothing, just a whole lot of candle burning.

Music helps. Music always helps.

Fuck It, We're Through
Old Crow Medicine Show- Wagon Wheel*
Whiskeytown- Excuse Me While I Break My Own Heart
Wussy- Airborne
Rilo Kiley- A Better Song/Better Daughter
Camera Obscura- Lloyd, I'm Ready to be Heartbroken
Johnny Cash- Jackson **
Wilco- I Am Trying to Break Your Heart
The Mountain Goats- Standard Bitter Love Song #4
Joshua Radin- Sundrenched World
Sea Wolf- I Made a Resolution
Belle and Sebastian- Fuck This Shit
Elliott Smith- Clementine
Fields- If You Fail, We All Fail

(all I need now is to get my hands on some Red House Painters to complete it)

*fun fact- this is the closing song at the bar
**fun fact- when searching for Johnny Cash at WCWM, check both under the Js and the Cs. He's filed under both. Bob Dylan on the other hand, is only under D

32: Movie-- If You're Hungry, Try a Piece of Your Friend

2009-02-01T17:45:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week, after a long day of naps, homework and cooking, I retired to my room with a movie in tow- Neil Marshall's 'Doomsday'. Well. I'm not going to lie to you- it wasn't good, in the conventional terms. It looked like someone or some people's spent a whole lot of money on something that flashes a lot, but doesn't actually have a plot. Which is untrue, as the movie did have a plot.

Just not a good one.

Granted, I walked in hoping for zombies. A bubonic plague look-a-like called the Reaper Virus sufficed.

And there are worse movies out there, with less of a plot and more established actors (Jumper, looking at you) than Miss Rhona Mitra (previously seen in......Skinwalkers or The Number 23, take your pic)and Liam Neeson-Crispin Glover cross David O'Hara (previously seen in 'Braveheart' and 'the Departed' (side note, seriously dude? how did you end up in this?)) and.... Malcolm McDowell (I've just stopped questioning his motives. You should too). The film didn't try to take itself too seriously, which is welcome to a movie that uses the lead's electronic eye as a critical plot device (score for shooting small children so early in the movie!). The music was... interesting. I've never imagined playing the can can while watching someone burned alive, then sliced into delicious pieces for the hordes to feast upon. But then again, I don't understand the English love of blood sausage.

Is it a worthy successor to Mad Max? No. But then what is? I score it above Waterworld, that's for sure.

31: Mornings After

2009-01-31T10:13:00.000-08:00

Things to know about me, if you and I go out:

1. The more I drink, the more I drop things. Do not trust what is normally fine motor control.
Examples:
a. Large glass of saucy Brit guy's beer, two hours into the Hungarian feast/champagne buffet
b. last night, ALLLLL the things i dropped all over other people's shoes

2. I have an overwhelming tendency to take guy's stuff. Not necessarily people I like, just random shit.
Examples:
a. Jake's (very large) Southie hat
b. Bob's scarf

3. I drunk text. And drunk call.
Examples:
a. see Rachel
b. see anyone

4. I lose things.
Examples:
a. so many earrings. so many!

5. I'd like to think I get fairly generous.

6. I also assume whatever male I'm with will pay for the drinks I keep ordering.

7. I depend a lot on my charm to get what I want
Examples:
a. New Year's--> friend of Shane's
b. last night, completely blowing off the bouncer at Paul's by telling him 'I'm not going to show you my ID, but I'm 21. Do you want to know my birthday?' and then I *think* I just walked right in

8. I usually remain fairly wise-acrey. I guess the years of Bugs Bunny and Looney Toons means I'll never be able to turn it off. Ever.

9. (Amended) I love a drunken debate. The less I know on the subject, the better.
Examples:
a. riling someone on the Patriots last night? I don't even know the QB's NAME!
b. Six Nations. Ireland v. Wales
Hangover Cures:

1. Lush related
Mask of Magnaminty, Too Drunk to Fuck Emotibomb, anything citrusy

2. Non-Lush related
(in no particular order) Modest Mouse, orange juice, coffee, water, Patrick Watson, lots of showers, toast, eggs, flinging myself upon someone to regale them stories of my night and have them pat my head, naps, a comfy pair of jeans (better than sweatpants)

30: Aleta Mix

2009-01-30T14:51:00.000-08:00

Baby Please- Jurassic Five
We Celebrate- Ghostface Killah
Hey Ladies- Beastie Boys
Move Your Feet- Junior Senior
Clap Song- Audio Imagery
Flyentologist History Month (El_P v. DFA1979)- DJ Million Dollar Snake Babies
Friday Night- Girl Talk
A Little Bit Cooler- The Cool Kids
A Day at the Races- Jurassic Five
Roc Boys (and the Winner Is)- Jay Z
Flashlight Fight (Featuring Chuck-D)- The Go! Team
Galang- M.I.A
Body Moving- Beastie Boys
Zombies Walk!!- Sufjan Stevens v. Kanye West
Lindsey Lohan- Spank Rock
Chicks and Dicks- Junior Senior

Basically, a fun mix to get yourself up and at them, or to play in the background of your very own gangaster movie starring Tatum Channing or Channing Tatum or Chatum Tanning or whatever that so-called pretty boy's name is.

29: ERRORERROR Part 2

2009-01-25T10:42:00.001-08:00

So my computer seems to have heard all those threats I've been making against it, and decided to make a last ditch effort for freedom by regurgitating all the music I lost two years ago. Awesome is re-finding a shit ton of Sufjan Stevens and music I *did* purposely delete, though not sure why. Less awesome is all this 90s music by the Spice Girls and Brandy I needed for the 90s Trivia Day.

While an admiral gesture sir, one that is well appreciated, you're still going to be replaced, once I dredge up the necessary funds.

28: True Things in Other Words

2009-01-22T07:17:00.000-08:00

(Above) From Post Secret

From a Softer World:

27: The One Who Talks To Himself on Trains

2009-01-17T18:55:00.000-08:00

I'm in the middle of an experience not unlike Cindy on the bus up to New Hampshire- my inability to look away from another leaves me giving out my real phone number or not ignoring the calls. It's like walking past a box of puppies or someone sleeping on a grate, something inside me starts to curl and I can't go on with out nursing that feeling, coming back to it and letting all the other small emotional catastrophes around come back and join it.

Granted, I seemed to have scared away this one with honesty, but it doesn't mean the feeling- the pity, the desire to do something, to give at honest most companionship- has left.

26: ERRORERRORERROR

2009-01-14T19:00:00.000-08:00

Danger do not go Will Robinson! Danger! Danger!

My computer has been on the fritz lately. Further reason to just, you know, save up cash and buy a new one. Especially when this one starts sending up flares that say 'hey. you know how your battery works well know? well soon, it won't. you're going to have to buy a new one. thanks! ttyl!'

While I appreciate the warning, seriously? SERIOUSLY? I've had this computer less than three years and already, I've almost filled the C: Drive, it refuses to load anti-virus software, and now the battery is going to shit out? No. I say no. Good day to you sir. I say good day.

25: Eggs

2009-01-07T10:37:00.000-08:00

I've been making omlettes and eggs like no one's business lately. It may have something to do with having work mid afternoon, so every day is brunch day, or the fact that I really enjoy making perfect eggs, even if that's much more than i love actually consuming them. That bit kind of grosses me out.

I've been planning for Children's Crusade, and by planning, I don't actually mean writing out recipes. Things I'd like to try making (possibly baking (right? right? i'm a gonna try baking sumphfing?) ). I'm excited to see how it might grow, and hopefully I can stop writing awkward Facebook messages that revolve around people giving my poor depleted bank account moneys.

Mmmm cooking. It brings me joy.

24: Resolutionaries

2009-01-05T21:18:00.000-08:00

I've never been much of a New Year's girl, when it comes to the whole 'new year, new you' concept. Sure, like anyone I think it'd be nice to be more in shape, or drink less, or procrastinate less, but I never hold too tight to them. Maybe it's a nice by-product of the Mentalism. There are things I would like to do- write more, actually be proactive about homework instead of struggling through essays while hungover or debating how to blur a deadline, and to be more active on campus. Sure it's great being that girl with short hair and big earrings, but sometimes I'd like to do more, even if I'm not expecting BU Central-esque adventures, but that's ok.

23: Growing Up, Growing Older

2008-12-20T09:54:00.000-08:00

Back in NJ again, and with snow to greet me. For a little bit I was appreciating it more, just because I've spent the past month surrounded by folks who don't see snow that often. Reminded me of the Irish in a way. But now that I'm here, and there's snow on the ground, I'm less enthusiastic as I would have hoped. It's snow, and there's only so many snowmen one can build, especially when one left her snowboots back in VA where they are clearly needed. By my closet.

I'm staying mostly at my father's during this vacation, due to my triumphant return to Lush (where the new people greet me as 'OooooO. You're Courtney.' (I feel like a superstar. Albeit, one with little money and a whole lot of ridiculous). Although the tenuous aspects of living here are still here, more than ever I feel at home where I am. I don't know if it was the little moments I spent putting up old posters and new scarves so that my room looks lived in, or merely a side effect of so many homes in so many years- it's a bit like that line from Buckaroo Bonzai "wherever you go, there you are."

22: Spider Bites

2008-12-06T15:19:00.000-08:00

I find myself eaten partially by spiders. I hope it results in super powers, so this itchiness is not just a wasted adventure into cortisone cream. Other than that, I'm working through the end of the school year- papers mostly. Which has featured me holed up in my home with friends, chai, movies and fortbuilding excursions. Productivity is an added benefit. Did I mention there's beer? There's beer.

It's a good weekend.

21: Bombay Blast

2008-11-26T20:33:00.000-08:00

I came downstairs to write my papers. But my battery is half gone and all I can do is read more about the terrorist attacks in Mumbay, stare at the Flickr streams and read the Twitter streams, feed the squeaky toy back to my dog just so she leaves my computer alone and I have another minute to keep reading. Dear God. Dear dear God.

20: Had the most intense dream

2008-11-21T05:20:00.000-08:00

last night (that's what I get for watching 'Rescue Dawn') and realized, a few minutes before really waking/alarm going off, that the dream couldn't be real. The 70s did not have the Internet, or Gmail chat, no matter how advanced proto-Communist countries might have been. I guess that's what I get for living way too much through Gmail chat lately, and applying labels to everything and then changing the color of those labels, the background to my email. Too easily you have won me over Google! I have not yet begun to fight!

19: In Love

2008-11-18T20:00:00.001-08:00

Must memorize this poem for tomorrow. Made easier by being in love with it.

This Lunar Beauty
W.H Auden

This lunar beauty
Has no history,
Is complete and early;
If beauty later
Bear any feature
It had a lover
And is another.

This like a dream
Keeps other time,
And daytime is
The loss of this;
For time is inches
And the heart's changes
Where ghost has haunted,
Lost and wanted.

But this was never
A ghost's endeavor,
Nor, finished this,
Was ghost at ease;
And till it pass
Love shall not near
The sweetness here
Nor sorrow take
His endless look.

18: the Remnants of Yesterday

2008-11-16T18:46:00.000-08:00

On my second mug of tea (mango black, for those interested in that sort of thing) and picking through the fourth chapter of the Book. I want to hole up and read Hemingway, and Fitzgerald and write, and kill all these goddamn flies that are not taking the bait I so cleverly left in the kitchen. I want to be back in Galway, I'm wondering if I have the money for the flight and the room to write, if I could convince NFAA to grant me the money to have the time to write, though I don't think that's quite the point of those alumni grants. Worth a shot though, yes?

17: What I Do When Sick

2008-11-16T13:28:00.000-08:00

Clean (the kitchen, vaccuum the downstairs, laundry; I'm fighting the fruit flies, but they seem to be winning. Funny how we never had this problem in Ireland though our common areas much more resembled a squat then here. Must have been all the alcohol, killing anything and everything but twenty-somethings)
Sleep (epic proportions)
Eat soup. Eat mac n cheese. Sleep. Repeat
Watch the Daily Show and badmovieswithAshleySimpsonthatoneexpectswillturntomusicals, and listen as my laughter turns to hacking. Priceless, really. How am I still single when I am just short of spitting soup through my nose?
Think about doing homework, but instead just go to sleep because damn it, I'm sick.

16: Sick

2008-11-15T19:57:00.000-08:00

I spent today sleeping, and probably confusing anyone with the misfortune to speak to me. Being sick seems like the perfect excuse to further engage in one of my favorite pastimes- sleeping like a bear approaching hibernation. Now that I am approaching my 4th consecutive hour of being awake today (at 11:06 pm, no less) I'm wondering if I should just go to bed now or try and force a more normal schedule.

15: War Paint

2008-11-13T09:19:00.001-08:00

I found this photo looking for pictures of camouflage. It's from CNN, one of their photos of the week from the Israeli-Lebanon conflict (2007). It's the photo I would love to take, but instead I end up taking photos of places, and not people.

But I'm aiming to get better. Like this one, from the Smithfield Horse Fair.

14: Post Meds

2008-11-12T17:47:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been hankering to write. I can't tell you how reassuring that feeling is- my biggest fear with medication was that I'd lose the ability to write, or the desire for creativity. So far, not the case. I've begun a new chapter of the Book, and I want to seriously get working on the Story. So, if you're an artist or you know someone who wants to write a graphic novel, let me know. I want the art to not just be ink and pen, but with the influence of photography and painting, the same way I want the writing to be more than dialogue and narration. I want to play around with the graphic novel form and idea. I suppose it's a good thing I was linked to Write or Die then, which reminds me of that quote from 'Bird by Bird', one can either write or kill themselves.

As for the side effects, still feel them. They've been covered up lately with this bad cold (I absolutely cannot wait for this persistent lump in my throat to be gone!), and soon enough that'll pass and I'll see how my system feels. Either way I have another appointment to talk about the blood work and the after shocks. My fingers are crossed for good things.

"You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do."
Anne Lamott

13: Autumnal Mix

2008-11-11T21:00:00.000-08:00

For curling up in bed, or in a warm sunny place, with a mug of tea and your headphones.
It's a little sweet, and soft. But that's fall with a cup of chai and a toasty scarf.

TV- Headlights
You're a Wolf-Sea Wolf
Teenage Kicks (Undertones cover)- Seabear
One of these Things First- Nick Drake
Lump Sum- Bon Iver
In the Hot Hot Rays- Fleet Foxes
Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl-Broken Social Scene
Hotel Song- Regina Spektor
Rescue- Seabird
I Am Warm and Powerful- Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin
A Little Lost (Arthur Russell cover)- Jens Lekman
Kiss Me Again- Jessica Lea Mayfield
Chelsea Hotel #2 (Leonard Cohen cover)- Rufus Wainwright
Lover's Spit- Broken Social Scene

12: Bikes

2008-11-11T13:00:00.001-08:00

Got a new bike- super sweet, though it has its creaks and rust. That's called character.

What the bike needs though, is a good name. I've been kicing around old school action stars- Steve McQueen, Paul Newman, Clint Eastwood, Michael Caine type names, vintage because it's a 1977 Raleigh. But today Roy Batty came to mind.... hmm...

11: Autumnal

2008-11-10T09:02:00.000-08:00

Fall has really set in lately- the weather has been dipping through the fifties and sixties, making it perfect jeans and scarf weather (which basically holds through the winter for me too). I've listening to Nick Drake all morning, which just adds to the mood.

I want to curl up on some leaves and go to sleep.

10: Jens Lekman

2008-11-09T07:49:00.000-08:00

Saw Jens Lekman in concert last night- it was good. Mostly him and a guitar, with a CD player to help out with some of the backing instrumentation. It wasn't great- I liken it to seeing Jose Gonzalez, where it mostly sounds like you expect everything to sound. With Gonzalez though, there was a different, more reverent crowd energy until the last song which became this massive sing-a-long (currently searching for the song). There was swaying.

There was also a massive amount of hipster fashion. We're talking feetie leggings, headbands, semi-wedding dresses, sweaters without pants- and when the announcement came that Girl Talk will be playing in February, I could see the wheels begin to churn in so many heads, planning the outfit. I suppose my bitterness is unfounded, mostly because it's not bitterness. I understand that people do look at me and occasionally think hipster, and I know that the very essence of hipster is to be disparaging while denying your own conformity. I guess what it comes down to money. I shop in thrift stores cause I don't have tons of money. I listen to a lot of indie rock, but I also love Van Morrison and Jackson Browne.

Oh well.

I went to a party after the show with some people from work, and got to watch other people dance from the comfort of a couch, which is less antisocial than it sounds. If Ireland has taught me anything, it's that you have much more fun being ridiculous on the dance floor than rehearsing your moves in a mirror.
Jens Lekman showed up to the pary, which created an odd mood. Suddnely everyone in the back headed inside, and the whispers started. 'Have you seen him?!' 'Jens is here!' 'Oh god, I hope I get to talk to him!' I went in for the bathroom, and saw him talking to a few people, with a cluster a few feet away, looking for all intensive purposes like they were waiting in line. He came outside, so did everyone else. I ended up splitting. It reminded me too much of that scene in Almost Famous.

9: Some Racing, Some Hiding

2008-11-08T10:57:00.000-08:00

It's odd that most of my friends down here in Virginia are the science sort. Most in Boston are the film/liberal arts type, and I mostly hung out with artsy kids in high school, when I hung out. It's odd because a science track gives a much more definite plan of what one must do to be successful. Me, I just want to stand in front of tanks and tell Communists to tear down walls. I want to travel, and write, and build houses. Yet there's the push for grad school, for meaningful internships instead of spending a summer cueing music for a radio show, summers spent working minimum wage may be necessary but stack up in the collegiate sense. I hate the feeling that I have to pad my resume.

When I think about post-graduation, I see mostly paths and nothing definite- WWOOFing, Peace Corps, Grad School, Travel, Internship, Working. I feel guilty, like I'm just another twenty something who'll move back in with their parents while they figure out their life, like I'm going through this existential crisis that's so in vogue.

8: Biking in the Dark

2008-11-07T14:13:00.001-08:00

Tonight I'll be working another late night shift, so from 8:30 pm to approximately 3 am. I have yet to see anyone throw up, but I've seen fights, I've seen people pass out, dance on tables, make out with someone's mom, play quarters into a pitcher (really? really?? no seriously, really?) and break up. I've beer spilled on me, elbows to the stomach and I've stepped on a lot of toes. It's not that bad though. It's a whole lot of jump and movement, and then long moments of waiting, but it works out.

What I like the most is the ride home. Yes, I should get a ride from someone. No, it's not safe for anyone to bike at 3 am. However, it's a well lit road and there's rarely anyone on it. I keep to the fringe, and I (illegally, yes) go against traffic so I have more control on anyone who be swerving my way (yet to happen). I love how abandoned it is, with only hotels and shut down pancake houses. I love being able to sing along to my music (posted below is an updated playlist, Saving Face, previously seen on the website). I can de-stress from the spilled beer and awkward conversations with old men, or drunk men; I've been figuring out dialogue lately, and bits of poetry; mostly though, I just listen to music and let that clean out my head. More and more I'm taking solace in the moments where I don't have the overrepresented script going, and more and more I'm finding that exists when I have music on.

Saving Face

the Airborne Toxic Event- Sometime After Midnight
Kings of Leon- Sex on Fire
Radiohead- the Bends
Yo La Tengo- Little Eyes
the Coral- Being Somebody Else
Blitzen Trapper- Furr
Joy Division- Love Will Tear Us Apart
the Clash- Straight to Hell
Damien Rice- Creep (Radiohead cover)
the National- Daughters of the Soho Riots
Damien Jurado- Gillian was a Horse
You Say Party! We Say Die!- Monster
Kevin Devine- Whistling Dixie
Bon Iver- the Wolves (Act 1 and 2)
Stars- Personal
Submarines- Brighter Discontent
Silver Jews- Suffering Jukebox
Steve Wynn- Manhattan Fault Line
Jessica Lea Mayfield- Kiss Me Again
Keren Ann- Lay Your Head Down
Radiohead- Electioneering

7: Old Journals

2008-11-06T09:30:00.001-08:00

I apologize for this not going up yesterday. We lost power at mein Haus, and with it, the wireless. Double posts make up for it!

Earlier this week I reread good portions of my journal from last year, specifically the spring abroad, looking for suitable words for a pastoral poem I knew I wanted to write about Galway. Incidentally, I found the beginnings of a poem I wrote on Jan Palach, the rough draft of a poem I wrote on graffiti found by the old ChristChurch in Dublin. I was reminded of walking with Bruno (my couchsurfing host) through Berlin the May before, trying to explain why I write in a journal. He dismissed the concept as pointless, while I argued that by writing down bits of what I see, half remembered dreams and conversations, I can search back for poems. Beyond that, I can chart a timeline of who I am at any particular moment.

'I don't know if I'll go back to school for a time- it's less expensive to travel then to study....What I'm realizing is that I'm done with education. I want to learn, and learn everything I can get my hands on- Czech, German, Buddhism, how a coffee machine works, what animals think about, literary theory, Jungian psychoanalysis- and to read as much as I can. But I'm tired of arbitrary classes, of being dictated to, spoken at instead of spoken with...' Galway

I really like the idea of having all that space to do nothing but think, to the point where I'm willing to give "On the Road" another shot. I really want to begin to come to terms with the concept of being an American: I feel as if I've seen more of Europe than I have of the U.S, based on emotional responses.' -Prague

'We kept passing by cows and horses lying in the grass, which startled me. I read somewhere when I was little that horses never lay down, but that's clearly wrong. Still it's hard to shake the image of them standing through nights and rain, clustered together but unable to share the weight, how tired I thought their knees and hips must be' -on a bus trip from Cork to Limerick

And the poem?

Galway

The four hours there, the same small pub with light

streaming through someone’s window,

the fields of sheep and lambs,

the baby cow that startled and kicked

as we passed,

rolling the same last cigarette

the last few matches

because I wanted to smoke them by the sea.

I stood on the retaining wall for a long time

watching the other side of the Atlantic ebb.

Swans drifting through the ends of waves,

gulls cried for fish and livers,

I could smell the tide.

You were somewhere behind me.

You were somewhere ahead.

Everywhere the legacy of boats,

the trinity of drizzle,

I counted the Irish I knew

(taoiseach, craic, fir, slainte),

and smoked a broken cigarette,

spitting out tobacco curls.

It was raining.

Of course it was raining.

6: Electioneering

2008-11-04T09:51:00.000-08:00

I voted for the first time today. I didn't do it for the sticker, and the free goods that I can get today by showing it off. I didn't do it because of peer pressure. I didn't do it because of the dozens of people who would come up to me in Dublin, in Prague, in Germany and will the American people through me to make a change. I didn't do it because Kevin Drew/Broken Social Scene asked me to. I did it because it felt right. And it's done, and tonight when I watching the results come in while I serve beers and burgers, I'll know that I did something.

I keep thinking about staying in Budapest, and watching coverage of the nomination process in a room of Americans, Brits, and Canadians. And there was one Canadian arguing with us Americans, stating how much better we think we are, how self important, when really the rest of the world doesn't care who we elect because we're all the same, anyway. The Brit spoke up and reminded the Canadian that actually, it does matter. It felt so surreal to be in that moment, to be watching other people debate something I'd always dismissed as common place. I actually felt to be an American, carry over I assume from earlier that day, when I saw graffiti that commanded 'Yankees go home'- the sudden anger at the confusion of who I am and who I am not, who I will always be, and my own politics cast off in favor of assumptions.

It's odd that as newspapers everywhere are calling upon the youth vote (and for once the politicians are listening), and the youth are responding, I'm researching youth movements at the beginning of the century, when the term teenager was first being developed, and in present day Balkans and the surging fascist movement there. Do I mean to say that today's American youth are fascists or future Hitler Jugend? No. But it is interesting the similarity in quotes, as generations recognize the revolutionary potential of the young.

I hope, more than anything, that the youth movement doesn't die out now. There's so much potential to keep going, keep pushing for change. Was it Spinoza who declared that revolution is the only way to significantly change a democracy? Or was it Kant? Either way, I want this brewing to bubble, to churn and make positive change more than just throwing collective weight around.

5: Covering Up

2008-11-02T20:58:00.000-08:00

I can't quite explain my love of cover songs. The best I can do is point to how it makes it possible for anyone to at least put their own spin on an amazing song, even if they didn't write it themselves. One of my favorite things about listening to music is picking out songs I think deserve, need, cry to be covered and imagine who would do the best job of doing so.

I'm a nerd.

My top five?

Final Fantasy- Song Song Song by Broken Social Scene
I love how this song starts with a disjointed drum beat, that's really just a bow on strings. This song just sounds like someone breaking down and building themselves up, only to fall back apart. If there's anyone who can capture that, it's the collective voices behind Broken Social Scene. I'd be intrigued to see how the could take what's a fairly expansive song and blow it up.

the Rolling Stones- Gimmer Shelter by Kevin Devine
God bless Merry Clayton. Her scream makes the song. As for Mr. Devine, his scream turns songs like 'Just Stay' and 'Cotton Crush' from plaintive to heart breaking. Kevin, make it happen.

Broken Social Scene- It's All Gonna Break by Pedro the Lion OR Jose Gonzalez
Favorite Broken Social Scene song? Yes. Do I love all 10 minutes of it? Yes. Do I want to see what would happen if you brought it down to just one voice? Hell YES. Why the split between artists?
A. Pedro the Lion is no more. So even in theory, chances of this are unlikely. But should for some reason, the PtL gentlemen see fit to reunite for a single cover song, chose this one! Oh please, chose this one!
B. Jose Gonzalez can do a mean cover. I have full faith that he would do a (dare I say?) righteous job. But I'd love to see someone a little more unexpected or underplayed behind the healm on this one.

MGMT- Kids by Regina Spektor
Strip this down to the synth and the lyrics, and you have a decent song. Spektor could bring the heartbreak, and the hipsters would bring the standing there with their arms folded. Which is normal; I hear if hipsters break a sweat, an angel loses its wings. They're so considerate, those elf ears kids.

Van Morrison- And It Stoned Me by Kristoffer Ragnstam. (My favorite Van Morrison song. Of all time. And, I love this Sweede. Seriously, he has some great Van Morrison -eque instances on his albums, and I think he could do this baby justice. Or else. And by or else, I mean I tie him up in my bedroom and force him to be adorable and Sweedish for me only. Warned!)

Top Covers:

"Kid A" (Radiohead)- John Mayer (I hate myself for saying this, but he does a really strong job. don't know if I give him more credit on basis of the other shit he's released, or because it's a strong cover, but this song somewhat redeems the waste of tabloid space he has become)
"Yeh Jo Halka Halka Saroor Hai" (Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan) -Jeff Buckley (I love Jeff Buckley. I do, I really do. But I can openly admit that the man spends way too much time sometimes blowing songs out of proportion. However, sometimes that works (his cover of "Je n'en connais pas la fin" is another fantastic example of this). The way his voice soars and breaks totally makes up for an eight (8!!) minute cover of 'If You See Her, Say Hello")
Knocking on Heaven's Door(Bob Dylan) - Antony and the Johnsons (heartbreak. pure. simple)
'Hand on Your Heart' (Kylie Minogue)- Jose Gonzalez (like I said, he knows his covers)
'Jump into the Fire' (Harry Nilsson)- LCD Soundsystem (try not to dance. I dare you)

4: Of Your Mouths, Of Your Mouths, Of Our Mouth

2008-11-02T09:31:00.000-08:00

listening: WOXY Stream (currently Annuals)

I don't want this to descend into a pity party. The better writings keep their confessions, but maintain a degree of civility. I am no Anne Frank.

So I'll make lists. Lists are easy to deal with; they appeal to every part of me that loves being ordered and stacked.

Scenario: You're being sent to a deserted island. Oh no! But don't worry, it's just for a year. It's only some sort of experiment for which you will be handsomely compensated. Plus, shelter is provided (tree fort!) and there's a supply of canned food, and books on what you can kill/gather. Those nice experiment creators have even taken it upon themselves to outfit you with a few luxuries. A solar powered stereo they say? Some quality reading?

So quick! Name the five artists who musical collections are essential for a year of solitude, five literar-ists necessary for your mental stimulation, oh and whatever you would stuff in your pockets to keep you occupied before you're sent away.

Mine
Music:
the Clash-- in case I need to gather the wildabeasts to me in order to start a revolution
Broken Social Scene-- dance party in the tree fort, all invited.
Van Morrison-- nothing else reminds me more of home
Radiohead-- what better way to procrastinate from my berry picking than to ponder 'Kid A'?
Elliott Smith-- islands get lonely. Mr. Smith knows his lonely.

Literary:
Kenneth Patchen, Collected Poems
J.D Salinger, Nine Stories/Franny and Zooey
F. Scott Fitzgerald- everything
Etgar Keret- everything
something by Steven Heller, so I can decorate my tree fort

Pockets:
Cheese. Some chocolate. Pictures of people/places. A pair of gloves. A scarf. Pen and paper. Oh so many pens. My pants will have pens sewn into the hems. I hope there are bottles on that island for my letter deliveirng convenience.

3: Personality Cues

2008-11-01T19:13:00.000-07:00

November is a month that for some reason, brings out the resolutions in people. Election Day. No Shave November. National Novel Writing Month. National Blogging Month. Monkvember.

Me, I'm just trying to get through. Treat myself better. Sleep again. It's at the point where I don't really want to sleep, which was always a downside of the mess during high school. I'd do homework and then read and write and dick around online instead of sleeping, because sleeping was really just waking up every few hours and then running through the script of the day instead of falling back asleep. I got some good poetry out of it though, and I read a lot.

Now with wifi, I just watch movies on Hulu, listen to albums to shut out the sound of my head, and read through the news. I get to the point where it can't even be called procrastinating. It's just anything to stay focused on something, even if just for the minute or two read of the point of an article.

I want to be writing. But I can't get myself to. It's not like there's a dearth of ideas, or mediums. It's just easier to rest on what doesn't require emotion, like taking personality tests.
Favored Careers:
psychotherapist, artist, art curator, bookstore owner, freelance writer, poet, teacher (art, drama, english), library assistant, professor of english, painter, novelist, book editor, copywriter, philosopher, environmentalist, bookseller, museum curator, opera singer, magazine editor, archivist, music therapist, screenwriter, film director, creative director, librarian, social services worker, art historian, sign language interpreter, photo journalist, makeup artist, photo journalist, homemaker

Personality Types:
creative, smart, focus on fantasy more than reality, attracted to sad things, fears doing the wrong thing, observer, avoidant, fears drawing attention to self, anxious, cautious, somewhat easily frightened, easily offended, private, easily hurt, socially uncomfortable, emotionally moody, does not like to be looked at, fearful, perfectionist, can sabotage self, can be wounded at the core, values solitude, guarded, does not like crowds, organized, second guesses self, more likely to support marijuana legalization, focuses on peoples hidden motives, prone to crying, not competitive, prone to feelings of loneliness, not spontaneous, prone to sadness, longs for a stabilizing relationship, fears rejection in relationships, frequently worried, can feel victimized, prone to intimidation, lower energy, strict with self

2:Politique

2008-10-29T10:37:00.000-07:00

I bought a 'WM for Obama' yesterday. I'm not sure why I now own a white T Shirt emblazoned with a green gold picture of Mr. Obama's face, even if I can call it a homage to Obey. I mean, if I vote (and yes. that does remain an if, despite being registered here in Virginia now) I will vote for him. But, much like a PostSecret that appeared some weeks ago, I've never felt such peer pressure like what this election has brought. Overwhelming, it seems my generation believes that should Mr. Obama loses, America will go the way of the Island from Lost and just vanish into a theoretical sink hole.

Oh don't get me wrong, I have share few beliefs in common with Mr McCain and his running mate with her 'aw shucks' personality reminiscint of Dopey , if Dopey switched from playing with friendly forest creatures and mining diamonds to skinning caribou and mining women's rights, beyond our mutual recognition of the importance of oxygen in maining life, and love of a good Chelsea Clinton joke (no, not really. well, yes to breathing, no to insulting the Clintons).

I just don't feel like I have that much in common with Mr. Obama.
Would I love to see a young president? Yes.
Would I love to see an academic president? Yes.
Would I love to see a president who embraces the concept of change? Yes.

Do I think we share political viewpoints?
Not so much.

Then again, I'm pro-women's rights, anti-No Child Left Behind, pro-environment, pro- an eneergy policy that does not rely on coal, gas or oil but sustainable methods, pro-small scale organic farming in cities, anti-Secure Fence Act, anti-lobbying, pro-humanity, anti-dealth penalty, anti-torture, pro-pet therapy, anti-war in Iraq, anti-war on Terror, anti- Patriot Act, anti-nuclear proliferation, pro- fair and living wage, pro-universal health care, pro- gay marriage, pro- higher taxes if it leads to an America where I don't feel that my doctors, lawyers, and police are conspiring to screw me out of my wages, where I can reasonably expect to be taken care of should I need it, pro-independence, pro-Israel, pro- Palestine, anti- China, pro-stem cell research, pro-choice and sexual health, pro- capping the tuiton costs of American universities and colleges and pro-puppies. Definitly pro-puppies.

The whole thing makes me think of the cows email:

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows

You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

1: Introductions

2008-10-27T11:11:00.000-07:00

Every so often, it's time for a new blog.

And by new blog, I'm transferring (the better) entries from Always Moving and entries from the website here, simply because I can tag entries here. And it's slightly easier to keep on than the mini-blog at the website. Don't get me wrong, I love the webspace. But I'm also a stickler for everything in its right place. Or at least its right stack. Or pile of stacks. I'll be keeping the webspace up of course, and probably still posting to the side links.